Combat in Fantasy: Part Two
Combat in Fantasy: Part Two
No Bikinis on the Battlefield
Armour, beloved subject of fantasy artists everywhere. But, for a purely practical rule of thumb, the heavier it is, the more protection it offers, and the more it slows you down. So when you’re picking armour that suits a character’s personality, skill set and strength, what do you choose?
My top ten tips, below.
1) Whatever you’ve been told, helmets don’t have horns.
Quite apart from the weight, the moment you try your best swing-your-longaxe-round-your-head manoeuvre, you’re going to catch your forearm, drop your weapon, look like a twonk, and wind up with something unwelcome in your gizzard. Get the helmet, but do take the horns off and save them for the pub.
2) It might look good, but a full set of steel plate, with padding, weighs about four stone.
The fitness to wear it goes without saying, and if you are both fit and used to it, it’s amazing what you can do. But likewise, you can’t sleep in it, scratch in it, or pee in it (well you can, but it’ll get nasty pretty quick), which means that its operation-time is limited. It also comes with a whopping great big jumble of buckles, ties and straps, meaning you can’t get into or out of it in a hurry, or without help. Plus, there’s all the cleaning. If you’re in plate, best get yourself a squire.
3) Don’t be fooled, chainmail is heavier than it looks.
A good belt will take some of the weight off your shoulders, but you run around in that stuff for a couple of hours, and you’ll either be very fit (as above) or in need of an apothecary. It’s also stinky, noisy and it rusts very easily. If you haven’t got as far as that squire, then the best way to clean it is to put it in a cement mixer with a bag of sand… but I’ll let you interpret that one into your own world’s equivalent.
4) Leather armour comes in various forms.
If we leave aside the studded glory of Monstro, the Long-Haired Master/Mistress of Rock, then these can vary from hardened, boiled and carved leather (good defence but kind of clunky), all the way to something lighter and softer, ideal for stealth. Do wear something underneath it, though, as leather sticks to your skin when it gets wet. And when I say sticks, I mean you’ll need to take it off with a knife.
5) The arms race is alive and well, and has been for over a thousand years.
Slashing weapons cut through leather. Pointed weapons stick through mail. Crushing weapons turn your beautiful Palandic breastplate into a piece of 3D artwork, and your spleen along with. Whatever you wear, it’s the layers underneath it that really count. Your padding doesn’t just stop the chafing, it spreads the impact of a blow and ensures that your ribs stay where they should be.
6) Don’t just think Western.
Very briefly: cross-layered silk and bamboo are both incredibly strong in relation to their mass. Scaled armour or lamellar was used in both East and West and defends more like plate, but with the movement and weight of chain. I’m sure you can think of others, so do feel free to leave them in the comments.
7) Shields.
Unless you’re one of those smartarses that can use two weapons at once, get one.
(If you are said smartarse, find someone else with a big shield and make them your best mate. After all, there’s no harm in insurance).
8) Archers are nasty.
Whatever the movies may tell you and whatever you’re wearing, arrow-tips smeared in wax will stick as they hit, and one hundred and fifty pounds of incoming pressure will go through your armour like a red-hot monoblade (plus, just for that finishing touch, there was probably a dead rat in the quiver). Multiply said archer by two hundred of his/her mates, each one shooting twenty shafts a minute, and you really need to be somewhere else.
9) A strong woman can fight in heavy armour, with just the same advantages and disadvantages as her male counterparts.
Y’know, just in case that’s a thing.
10) The chainmail bikini (and its masculine equivalent, the Conan).
Good for – consenting adults, certain styles of fantasy, and a whole range of bedroom posters. Bad for – any battlefield that you want to look real (though said character may gain unlooked-for benefits in both manoeuvrability and shock value).
Honestly, if you want your battle taken seriously, please leave these to one side. They’re great at private parties, where enemy soldiers, orcs and goblins, fang-toothed monsters, evil necromancers, and/or the forces of chaos are unlikely to rampage (unless, of course, they were on the invite list and have the safe word).
There’s a case, perhaps, for a certain homage style of fantasy literature (I’m sure we can all think of examples), but even then, be a bit self-aware. And, for the love every god you can name, DON’T put the women in bikinis and the men in full armour (or, indeed, the other way round).
Like the previous post on weapons, this was originally published on Fantasy Faction. And crikey, that was a long time ago.
Reading: Still reading Michael McDowell’s gothic horror Blackwater series and am eagerly awaiting each one as it comes out. Just started on IV, The War, and enjoying watching Elinor finally come into her own.
Watching: the new series of Heartstopper, and particularly touched by its treatment of mental illness, as Charlie goes through anorexia. The whole show tell us that it’s okay to be different, to be your own kind of different, that the love of your friends really matters, and will carry you the dark times. Something we call need to remember.
Playing: Space Marine 2 is kicking my butt, seriously. Though it doesn’t have any armour issues, to be fair.