The Battle of the Brain-Fog
Or: What Was I Doing, Again?
So, this week’s substack ended up in a slightly different place than it started. And this isn’t a pity-party, I’m not asking for people to feel sorry for me, but the frustration just kind of vented itself.
Brain-Fog is very difficult thing to describe, because it’s so fucking nebulous. It started in peri, some eight or so years ago, and has washed in and out like some gentle grey tide. Over lockdown, it almost drowned me completely and, at the beginning of last year (for various reasons) I finally lost my shit and declared war on it, and have been fighting the battle ever since.
So:
Level 0: Crystal-clear, happy, upbeat and (essentially) normal. Out-going, sharply focused and full of sunshine. These days aren’t frequent, but they do happen more than they used to.
Level 1: Bit thick-headed, but only a bit, and not enough to stop me doing things. Most days are like this, which is one hell of a lot better than before.
Level 2: Significantly thick-headed, and struggle to focus on (particularly) writing, though I can still read, still work, still do emails and admin and cub stuff and jobs round the house. Get a few days like this, but (again) a lot less.
Level 3: Head stuffed with porridge. No writing, no reading. Struggle to find the focus or motivation to do anything remotely complicated or creative, though can still do basic daily tasks. Over lockdown, I lived in this space for six months, almost without let up. These days, it’s occasional, but still utterly bloody vile.
Level 4: Weight in my head becomes actually painful, like a brain full of stone. Struggle to move or to speak to anyone. Tiny things overwhelm me completely, and/or reduce me to tears. The fatigue (mental, physical, emotional) is heavy and tangible; I can’t focus on anything and absolutely can’t cope. Fortunately, these days are now extremely rare.
Level 5: Only ever had one of these, and by every dog, I never want another one.
At the beginning of last year, when I binned both the booze and the gluten, I started keeping track of the numbers, and they’re a hell of a lot better than they were. The crystal-pure days are amazing, like swimming up to the surface and being able to see the light. I love them so much – I’m honestly a different person (or just myself, finally) – but they’re always so brief. They leave me feeling like River Tam in Firefly, as ‘Chaos is come again’. Knowing that the light is there, but not quite being able reach it, can get very demoralising.
In better news, though, the fact that the fog-levels usually potter along at a ‘1’ means the world. I may not be crystal, but I’m still much better, doing much more, and writing much more than I’ve done in years. And it’s easier, as well, not having to fight through treacle every time I need to achieve something, and being able to keep entire narrative arcs in my head (rather than barely being able to think about more than one scene at once, which isn’t helpful).
Not quite sure where this is going, only to say that today is bad day, and that the fight continues. Giving up the booze was a no-brainer (duh) but the gluten, particularly, has been such a significant breakthrough (had never really understood the link between diet and mental health). I’m also sleeping well, which helps no end.
Guess I’m reminding myself that, no matter how bad any single day may be, the light is still there, and that I’m swimming the right way.
There are lists of links that help with brain-fog symptoms and treatments, but the one I found the most useful (and that won’t immediately convince you that you’ve got cancer of big toe) is here.
Reading: How have I never read Interview With The Vampire? Like Carrie, and The Rats, it should surely be one of those core texts picked up as a teenager, but no. About to rectify this.
Watching: Starting Vinland Saga on Netflix. The Manga always sells as soon as we get it in, so curious to see how it adapts.
Playing: Second Baldur’s Gate playthrough nearing its end and no idea what I’m going to do after I finish it, tbh. Was very much hoping that Larian would release some DLC or talk about a follow-up, but that’s apparently not happening. Guess I’ll paint some figures, instead.
That's a pretty perfect description of brain fog. Mine is linked to ME/CFS, and began in 1997. Thankfully, I also get the occasional day when it lifts (amazing, isn't it!), but I'm usually around a 2. Unless I have had the audacity to do something completely unreasonable, like go out for coffee, of course - then it's a few days of 4, followed by a couple of 3s.... and we don't talk about 5.
Thanks for posting this. My brain fog is linked to an undiagnosed thing, or a misdiagnosed thing with a constellation of autoimmune symptoms. When it's bad it interferes with my ability to understand that what is happening is brain fog. It helps me to rank my days, too--so I can see quantifiably that it will end, or that things are better than they seem when I'm in the thick of it.
I too returned to Ann Rice recently and it was such a delight--just to get to Pandora--which blew me away!